Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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