thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Blood and glitter go together right?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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