I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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