I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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