I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
