he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
