I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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