I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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