Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
