Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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