My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
