Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
