tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
