PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
