He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
