2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
