dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
