She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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