You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
