...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
