I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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