I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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