you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
