You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
