Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
