I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
