It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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