I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
