just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
