My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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