I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
