is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
