I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I need a burrito and a hug.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
