just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize