My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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