I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
