you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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