I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
