Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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