okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
