you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
