i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
