apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
