i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
