Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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