Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
