explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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