i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
