remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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