you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
