i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
