I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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