the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize