Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
