I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
