i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
the raccoons are back...
I'm really busy with my period
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