im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
