When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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