I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
