Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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