I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
