That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
