So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
