Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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