so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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