Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
