K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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