It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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