there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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