everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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