Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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