: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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