TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Come share oat with me in your robe
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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